What's my motivation?

I think the hardest part about making a change is remaining positive about where you are while being excited about where you want to go.  This week has been a big one for Get A Grip, while I'm stoked to be taking big steps to make this happen, it's so easy to get negative about my actual, income-providing job.  I do realize that I'm fortunate to even have a job at all, and it's not a bad gig.  Not really.  I've been with the organization for over 10 years, and it has led me in some very surprising directions.  I'm grateful for all of the professional and personal opportunities that I've gotten from working there.  Hell, I was introduced to Mr. Incredible and some of our dearest friends because of a co-worker from my first assignment.  Working there has been an amazing foundation for the rest of my professional development.  Seriously.  Not even being a little sarcastic there.

But sometimes, it's just time to go.  Regardless of how the last year has played out, I've reached the point where I'm ready to move on.  I could go on and on about how the environment has changed, and how the people in charge are doing it wrong blah blah blah.  But it's no longer about them and their environment.  It's about me and my environment.  My primary motivator is based upon the environment in which I want to be.

I've touched on this a couple of months ago and a couple of months before that.  My dream job revolves around being in charge of my own time. That's where this began. I have always been more of a "work until the work is done and then figure out how you can go home" kinda girl.  And that's not a popular approach to work in the modern office.  In the bigger picture, the work is never done.  There is always one more batch of forms to process.  So I get why the expectation of  8:00-on-the-dot until 5:00-on-the-dot is in place.  I honestly feel like I'm in a place where that expectation no longer needs to apply to me.  So much more of my life could happen during those hours.

The scariest thing about all of this is the realization that if this happens, it will be up to me to fill those hours.  Full disclosure:  I've developed some rather, um, lackadaisical work habits in the past year.  It would be easy to point fingers and say "It's their fault!  Upheaval!  Half-assed training!  Scorn and disregard!" but I have to own this one.  I spent so much time being pissed off that I let it affect my own diligence.  I hate that.  I need to get back to how I was so long ago, when I didn't take "mental health" days at least once a week and I had a good deal of pride in my work.  I had control over how I reacted to things at work, and I reacted poorly.

One of my most significant anxieties about this whole thing stems from when I think about the day I tell my dad that I'm going to quit my job.  It's not going to happen anytime in the immediate future (unless we hit Megabucks and then SEE ya!) but when it does, I'll be giving up a pretty good benefits package, including a pension.  I'm already vested, but if I could stay for 30 years (omg kill me....) I'd get a decent retirement.  My dad is of the opinion that the only way to win, and winning is important, is to outlast the sonsabitches.  I can't do that.  I can't be the wife and mother and friend and person that I need to be if I spend all my energy outlasting the sonsabitches. I don't need his permission to proceed, but things are a lot easier when he doesn't make that Dad Face that means he's puckering up to give some advice (not telling me what to do just advice and suggestions so don't take it like he's being bossy he's just trying to help) every time I see him.

Dammit, I just want to enjoy my time.  I want to be able to incorporate new choices into my life, and it's hard to do that right now.  The environment I create for myself and my family needs to be one that works for all of us.  It's like any other system or process that I have (and I have so damn many...) in that it needs to flow in such a manner that it doesn't get in the way of what we want to do.

Does that make sense?